“Panic at the thought of doing a thing is a challenge to do it.” ~Henry S. Haskins
“He has not learned the lesson of life who does not every day surmount a fear.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I have a personal mantra that sometimes makes my life uncomfortable: if the idea of doing something scares me, it’s something that I need to do. Now, before I get myself in trouble, I’d better clarify right now that I’m speaking about emotional challenges only – those things that involve personal growth and change. I’m not going to take up skydiving or speed racing or probably even mountain climbing, although that is something that has always sounded fascinating to me.
So when my friend Johanna Harness informed me that she had signed up for a self portrait photography class, and that I ought to join her in this adventure, I was well and truly in trouble. I don’t like cameras and I’m not very good at taking pictures. I didn’t even have a camera until Christmas of this year, and have always relied on somebody else to take the important pictures. I also don’t like being seen in photographs. I’m one of those who hides in the back row, or turns my face the other way. My mother is shocked about this: apparently as a child I was eager to perform for the camera and always the first to get in front of the lens. I can’t recall any traumatic events, but something certainly shifted somewhere along the way.
Anyway. As Johanna well knew, I was now going to have to take the class in order to confront the fear. She has been bravely putting up her lovely photos for all the world to see. Yesterday somebody on Twitter – I do believe it was @barnstorm2004, commented that he was waiting for my self portrait photos to appear. I told him he’d be waiting a long time.
Uh oh. Something else that scares me. And so, here we go. I am posting some of my self portrait photos for your amusement and edification, or potentially for your ultimate boredom. I don’t pretend for a moment that there is art involved here – just me learning to take chances. The class is called Wading In, and is just one of the offerings at Be Your Own Muse. Our assignment this week was to explore our life and our neighborhood with photos. The one requirement is that some part of my body needs to show up in every picture.
I thought I would share some of the things that I talk about a lot. Here is my morning companion and trouble maker, she whose name is not fit to utter in public:
There. That was easy. The cat doesn’t mind pictures and it’s not too scary showing you all my hand. Another regular part of my morning is, of course, the mandatory mug of good coffee:
And, of course, my beloved laptop:
Getting a little braver, let’s venture outside. Reflected in this window we get me, my awesome dog, Riddick, and my beloved Avalanche:
Here’s another pic of my dog, just because he is so cool:
I’d like to leave it there, but I still haven’t done the thing I fear the most, which is a self portrait pic that is actually a self portrait. And so, against all better judgment, I leave you all with this:
Which brings us to the ultimate question – what one thing that scares you are you willing to try this week?
Does being afraid to leave a comment because then I’ll have to say what fear I’ll face this week count? Oh wait… Done!!!
I’ll have to give it some thought. Once I find the challenge, I usually don’t back down. Good food for thought.
LK – hmmmm. ~ponders~ Yep. I think it does count – at least it gets you thinking about it, right?
Good on Ya! and, no, I don’t believe I will be trying pole dancing or skydiving this week, but I will be doing tax filing stuff, which needs to come out to us getting money back. I think that’s scary enough, thanks.
Nice pictures, do that some more, aye?
Ooh, John – taxes. Very scary. I always think of them right alongside death – you know, the inevitable death and taxes. But I’d love to see you pole dance, lol
Nice photos, Kerry! A gold star for your bravery on a lot of levels!
Thank you Clara – and thanks for stopping by the blog.
Hooray! This makes me incredibly happy.
I remember when we were at PNWA in Seattle, you said, “I just realized I’m afraid to pitch an agent in the hallway. Now I have to do it.” And next thing I knew, you were walking along chatting to an agent like you’d known her all your life. I was impressed then. Still am.
I never did get up the nerve to pitch an agent in the hallway that week but, the next week, at Willamette Writers Conference? Yep. I thought of you and pitched an agent in the hallway. It wasn’t so bad.
Then a few weeks later, at a smaller local conference, the agent who was speaking asked for a volunteer to give a pitch. Scared to death, I thought of you–and stood.
Of course, all of this prepared me for the final, big pitch: the moment at Thanksgiving when someone spilled the beans to extended family that I’d gotten an agent. And all eyes turned to me. And the English teacher in residence asked, “So what’s your book about? What are your major themes? What issues do you deal with?” And, all eyes on me, thanks to you, I was ready.
Thank you.
Also: your pictures are quite lovely. I especially like the reflection in the window.
Johanna, anything I can do to make you happy, just let me know, lol. And ha! I am inspired by your courage every day. And look at you flying now. : )
Well, I’m made happy and inspired by both of you! You both have some amazingly courageous stories. Not sure that way of dealing with fear is exactly the method that works for me, but wow, I kind of wish it were–it seems like it would speed my process considerably most of the time.
And Kerry, I really like that last photo you posted–not sure if you posted in in the Flickr group, but I don’t remember seeing it before, and it’s lovely.
Amy, we all have our own ways of dealing with fear, and our own reasons for that. This has gotten me into trouble, more than once – it’s not always a good thing! Thanks for the comment on the pic. I’ve been really short on time and haven’t been able to be nearly as interactive on the Flickr group as I’d like to be.
I love this. I believe in it wholeheartedly. You are an inspiration.
This is an odd week for fear. With the approaching anniversary of my Dad’s death, I’ve been wandering in a grief fog. I’m also sick and snowbound. And editing/revising. When I first read the blog, I thought, “I’m too grey inside to feel fear right now.” But as I think about it, I realize two things. First, I’ve been afraid to truly grieve, so maybe that’s my challenge. I’ve also been afraid to really jump into this revision. That fear may be a bit more justified, since my head is so all over the place. Will think on this…in honor of you and this post.
Oh, the fear of grieving – that’s a huge one. I know it well. Speaking from personal experience – grief is much better when fully experienced, than when allowed to sort of sulk in the corners where it just gets uglier. Anniversaries are hard. As for revision – I hear you. But if you save a draft of what you have now, nothing you do in revision is final. You can always go back.
Duh. *headsmack*
Thank you for this post. If I hadn’t just written that response I would not have come to the realization that this is the perfect time for this revision. My historical romance is about a woman letting go of the numbness of grief and letting feeling in again. She’s been afraid to love anyone or anything for fear of the pain, but then a man from her past walks into a crisis in her present, and her walls of ice begin to melt. *That’s* the basis for my pitch! Woohoo!
Sometimes what I want is a break from fear: can I stop being the one to sallies forth to the next thing and instead stop and develop something? So maybe this is an underlying fear: I will finally be able to stay with whatever for longer than path busting, and nevertheless it will/I will suck.
Jennifer, I’ll join you in revision. I have no idea what this manuscript needs, but I’m going to start reading anyway.
To the revisions we shall go!
Yes, I’m engaging in revisions as well – two books at once. Gulp. And today I am facing down a story board project, which I find is scaring me beyond reason.
I love the reflection photo, too. And nice to see the partner-cat.
Love all your photos, but the last one, of you looking through the pine branches. The look on your faces embodies “I fear, but I refuse to turn away.” Good for you!
As for what I fear…um, would you believe over-indulging in chocolate? I’m going to try my best to face it down, though.
(Sorry, that was a total deflection on my part. I don’t think I’m quite ready to confront real fears yet. I may have to cower a while longer.)